Rahul Gandhi Ko Gussa Kyun Ata Hai

My political satire published in Indiacause blog site of ivarta.com

Arindam Bandyopadhyay

 

Mommy! Yeh kya hai? How did I become the head of the Congress coordination committee for 2014 Lok Sabha polls? Nobody asked me for my consent. Yeh to jabardasti hai.

Please, don’t tell me that this is about my future and the future of the country. Bhar me jaye……why can’t the country leave me alone?

Look, I did not mind becoming an MP since I know that I am a Mediocre Person. But I have resisted all temptations to be part of the government or be a minister, because then you are responsible and liable to be blamed for all the department’s faults. I do not want to give anybody the opportunity to humiliate me. I am smart enough to learn it from you! Akhir beta kiska hun?

I am okay with being the General Secretary of Congress – I can behave like a general without even knowing the job of a secretary. And I do not mind becoming the High Command in future. Ask my friends – they will tell you I like to be ‘high’ and can command right and left as long as I do not have to carry them out.

But why does the party keep on demanding more? How many posts can I hold? Can’t we have other leaders from this pre-historic party who can share some responsibilities? I know you do not like that idea because of the risk of other leaders overshadowing the family. But you have to understand that I cannot pretend anymore that I enjoy politics.

Is politics ke liye mujhe kya kya nahin karna para!

First they call me an ‘icon’. In this age, while ipod, iphone and ipad are pioneers in their respective field, my detractors can easily distort icon from the leader of congress to the head of the conmen – yeh mujhe bilkul pasand nahi hai.

Next, I have to fake myself as a youth leader when I am not a youth anymore. Is umar mein to Vivekananda aur Jesus Christ duniya chorke chale gaye theh.

I had to eat with Dalits and sleep in their house. I had to travel second class with people that Shashi bhaiya disapproved as cattles. I have to spend half my time holding meeting at places where I would have never gone otherwise. Moreover I have to do all of these with a smiling face.

Yeh bhi koyi zindagi hai! Forget about girlfriends, I do not even have time to visit London or Boston anymore, let alone go to mama-bari in Italy.

I know you will remind me that I am important! It is my destiny to become PM. Even our silent PM agrees with that, whenever he is allowed to speak. You will also tell me that my opinions count. I try not to behave or talk like a future PM. (Fortunately, I am blessed because it comes natural to me). But still the scribes keep on insisting? How am I supposed to know that nobody can understand that there is no difference between Kargil war with Pakistan and FDI war with Walmart?

Then look at the hullabaloo they created after I said that ‘Hindu groups could pose a bigger threat to the country than activities of groups like Lashkar-e-Tayiba’. What I meant was, since Hindus are the majority, we should make sure that they remain oppressed enough, so that there is never a possibility of Hindu terror. Now, is it my fault if ignorant people cannot follow my point? Why do they ask for my views then?

That’s the reason why I also avoid Parliament sessions. It is so boring, anyway. All they discuss are scams – CWG, 2G, CoalG(ate). And then they ask me ‘what is your opinion Rahul-ji’? Baap re, mujhe to chakkar aata hai.

Actually I am convinced that there is a deep conspiracy going on. First our party and its allies were being connected to all sorts of scams. Then they attacked our family directly. Robert bhaiya ko to kareeb band baja diya tha…thank God he could fence away, at least for now. All these Annas and Arvinds are their stooges. I know all of it. I am not a bachcha anymore and neither am I kachcha in politics, though  sometimes my oppositions tend to believe that.

And now Subbu uncle, who fondly calls me a buddhu, is accusing even you and me of fraud. This must be part of an international scheme. Otherwise why would, all of a sudden, even the foreign media start taunting us. How dare they refer to me as the Rahul problem? Can anyone otherwise explain why they suddenly decided to declare our famous ‘son of sardar’ PM as an underachiever?

I know who is behind all of these. It is the man from the west – i.e. the western state of India. All those vibrations from the vibrant programs, where they showcase their state, are shaking our roots here. No wonder they have him as their cover boy. And no wonder suddenly even our friends from UK are warming up to him.

I think you need to pull some strings. Otherwise all these conspiracies and foreign interests can bury us badly in coming elections. Can you imagine where my reputation, which is already heavily tarnished after losing Bihar and UP elections, will be, if we lose the Lok Sabha 2014 polls? Do you still agree that I should hold this post of the head of coordination committee? I think yeh dil maange no more.

Honestly I am also tired of this political role play, jo mere bas ka kaam nahin hai. Sometimes I want to live a normal life. Think about it – I cannot even party with my friends, without criticism. This is very unfair.

Besides if I ever become the PM, what will happen to our Garibi Hatao programme? Look, for example, at Amethi – my constituency. It can compete with anywhere else in India for its garibi. Even Bill Gates failed to turn it around. If I become PM and the whole of India utilize my expertise and try to emulate Amethi, how can we then implement Grandma’s Garibi Hatao program?

I think Ramu dada has probably figured out that India’s PM post is not the right position for me, though he mentioned it in a slightly eccentric way. I admire his cynicism in general but strongly object to his openly criticizing me as illiterate. Publicly bolna nahi chahiye thah …..

Seriously, I think we have to find some new strategies before even the aam aadmi (or mango people, according to Robert bhaiya) decide to dump us.

Why can’t people like Diggy mama or Sallu chacha try to convince Priyanka? They can also talk to Robert-bhai. He is famous now-a-days. And part of the family too.

And, don’t try to confuse me by telling that my father and grandmother gave their life for the country. At least they had some sort of a life going before they died. Meri to zindagi bhi abhi suru nahi hui. It seems that nobody cares whether I have the right to have some sort of a personal life. At least I could have used some sympathy for my enforced bachelorship. Has anybody thought that if I do not get married, what happens to the continuity of the family tree?

Mera nahi to kam se kam dynasty ki to socho!

************************************